Fun on Four Wheels

My apologies to all my faithful readers (both of them) for having gone on extended hiatus. Not having to go to college has been largely soporific (cue shock and awe) and has led to a dearth of ideas (cue more shock and awe) to rant about. But, I decided that something had to be done to keep the bull, err ball, rolling. Hence, something inspired by a series of posts over at Aj’s blog, from way back, which he liked to call “The Five Women in a Man’s life”. This is my counterpoint, though not spread over five instalments, that I like to call “The Five Cars in a Man’s Life”.

#1 Your first toy car – This is usually a counterpart to the set of wheels your dad drives. You’re three, and, it is usually a really small-scale, low-detail, hunk of plastic with an elastic solid axle, rickety wheels and no real redeeming qualities. But, you love it so, and place it lovingly beside your Tom-and-Jerry-bedecked pillow before dozing off at seven every evening.

#2 Your dad’s car – You’ve outgrown toy cars (well, at least the one mentioned above) and graduated to riding squeaky bicycles operated on daily leases from the neighbourhood bicycle repairs store. However, your father’s car is the holy grail. It might only be a poor (but licensed) reproduction of decades old European automotive technology, a relic of the pre-liberalisation days, but it’s still the stuff of dreams. Limbs are imagined to be long enough to reach the foot pedals and head high enough to see over the steering wheel. With the ‘driver’ providing all the necessary engine notes, one could manage a trip to the farthest corner of the world and back, all in the short span of time between when the car was brought home from the workplace and when it was packed away into the garage for the night.

#3 Your first drive – See #2 if you were an upright, law-abiding conformist citizen. Otherwise, you probably managed to coax an older cousin or an uncle into letting you experience the thrill of motoring before your moustache showed signs of sprouting. It could’ve been another of those rides that had passed through several hands and was slowly falling apart, or, if the said uncle/cousin was retarded (for letting you drive when that young, of course)/rolling in wealth (or both), a ride without rust eating away at the door sills. But, the experience stuck in your mind nonetheless. Not in graphic detail. But the inexplicable pleasure of not stalling while setting off, and timing subsequent throws just right was way off the charts in terms of anything you’d experienced and recalibrated your grading scale for future events.

#4 Your dream drive – This is always a work in progress – until the day you die (unless, of course, you’re Lee Noble). Every new car launched at any notable motor show anywhere in the world is a candidate to take over this coveted office. Obvious ones are those that would take many lifetimes’ earnings to acquire but go from 0-100 kph in an instant. Exotics powered by engines with as many cylinders as the engines of all the cars you’ve ever driven, combined. Fancy technologies referenced by fancier four letter acronyms; Bodywork made from materials lighter than the finest French crepes; Drivetrain components machined from metals so precious, they’d make the family jewellery stash, a souvenir of many generations, look crude, and worth dust. I’ll take two of those please, one in Rosso Corsa, and one in Giallo Modena.

#5 Your first ownership experience – The enjoyment derived from this, is, for the most part, dependent on whether you make a commitment to a #2 or a #4. Judging by most occurrences around me, #2 is more likely. Even then… Yes, I’d like something small… Parking space’s at a premium… No, not that small… Bigger… No, not that big, that’s not a hatchback anymore… Is this the smallest engine that’s available…? Are those the fuel efficiency figures??!! That’s not efficiency… Does it have air-conditioning as standard…? Don’t you have this in grey…? Red cars don’t really have good resale value… No, I’d like the five door… The rear seats must be easily accessible…  Which insurance category does it fit into?… Finally, how much?… HOW much??!!… Couldn’t you be a darling and take a few zeroes off??… And, throw in a couple of floor mats, perhaps?

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